Being a people pleaser means you often put others’ needs before your own, seeking approval and trying to keep everyone happy. While this may seem kind and considerate, it can lead to significant stress, anxiety and resentment. When you focus too much on what others think, you may neglect your own well-being.
I’ve observed how people pleasing can become an ingrained habit, driven by a desire to avoid conflict and seek acceptance. However, constantly trying to meet everyone’s expectations can be exhausting. It leads to feelings of inadequacy and a constant fear of letting others down.
Living this way can create a cycle of anxiety where you are always worried about making the right impression. Over time, this can affect your mental health, leading to feelings of stress, overwhelm, and even depression. Understanding the link between people pleasing and anxiety is the first step to making positive changes.
Part of my role as a therapist involves helping clients learn to prioritize their own needs and boundaries, a practice I also try to apply in my own life, but admit can be hard when you have a family.
Understanding People Pleasing Behavior
Through my years of experience, I’ve seen how people pleasing involves focusing on others’ happiness, even when it comes at a personal cost. This might look like saying “yes” when every part of you wants to say “no,” avoiding conflict, and continuously seeking approval. Many of my clients struggle with setting boundaries and feel guilt when prioritizing personal needs.
This behavior often roots itself in childhood, where approval is tied to self-worth. Perhaps they’ve learned that being agreeable ensured likability, embedding itself as a pattern that often sacrifices personal needs for others.
People pleasers might overcommit, apologize excessively, and constantly seek validation, which seems positive at first but often leads to stress and emotional fatigue. Understanding and recognizing these patterns is vital to starting the process of change.
How People Pleasing Leads to Anxiety
I’ve found that people pleasing can often precipitate anxiety. Constantly striving to meet others’ expectations is incredibly demanding, creating relentless stress and worry. This ongoing pressure often leaves one feeling overwhelmed and anxious.
People pleasers also often suppress their true feelings and needs to avoid conflict. This can result in a build-up of unresolved emotions. Over time, these suppressed feelings can manifest as anxiety. You may start to feel uneasy or stressed without knowing why.
Another factor is the fear of rejection or disapproval. People pleasers rely heavily on external validation. When you worry about what others think, it can lead to heightened anxiety. The fear of making a mistake or letting someone down can be paralyzing, affecting your mental and physical health.
Understanding how people pleasing leads to anxiety can help you recognize the need to set healthy boundaries. By acknowledging this link, you take the first step in addressing both people pleasing and anxiety.
Signs You Might Be a People Pleaser
Recognizing the signs of people pleasing can help you understand whether this behavior is affecting your life. Here are some common indicators:
1. Difficulty Saying No: People pleasers often struggle to decline requests, even when they are overwhelmed. They fear disappointing others and prefer to take on more than they can handle.
2. Constantly Seeking Approval: If you frequently look for validation from others, you might be a people pleaser. This can mean regularly asking for reassurance or worrying excessively about others’ opinions.
3. Avoiding Conflict: People pleasers tend to avoid disagreements at all costs. They may agree with others even when they don’t actually share the same views, just to keep the peace.
4. Feeling Overburdened: Taking on too much responsibility to please others can leave you feeling exhausted and stressed. This constant state of tiredness is a clear sign of people pleasing behavior.
5. Neglecting Personal Needs: If you often put others’ needs before your own, it can be a sign of people pleasing. This neglect can impact your well-being and lead to feelings of resentment.
Understanding these signs is essential for recognizing the impact of people pleasing on your life. Acknowledging these behaviors can empower you to make positive changes.
Strategies to Break Free from People Pleasing
Over my years of practice, I’ve found several effective strategies to combat people pleasing:
1. Practice Saying No: Start small by saying no to requests that don’t align with your needs or capabilities. This might be uncomfortable at first, but it helps set healthy boundaries.
2. Set Clear Boundaries: Establish limits on what you are willing to do for others. Communicate these boundaries clearly and stick to them. This helps protect your time and energy.
3. Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize your own needs by setting aside time for self-care activities. This could include hobbies, exercise, or simply relaxing. Taking care of yourself ensures you have the energy to help others when it’s appropriate.
4. Seek Professional Help: Consider talking to a therapist if you struggle with breaking free from people pleasing. Therapy can provide personalized strategies and support.
5. Build Self-Confidence: Work on boosting your self-esteem. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself and focus on your strengths.
By implementing these strategies, you can start to reclaim your own needs and reduce the anxiety associated with people pleasing. It’s essential to remember that it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes.
So all-in-all I think we can agree that being a people pleaser can lead to significant anxiety, stress, unmet needs of your own and resentment. Understanding the signs and how this behavior impacts your life is crucial for making positive changes. By recognizing and addressing the reasons behind people pleasing tendencies and taking time to recognize and make changes, you can improve the way you feel about yourself. Setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and boosting self-confidence are important steps to breaking free from this habit. It is rare that people come in to see me just for people pleasing. It is usually one of part of a more complicated issues with confidence and anxiety. If you find it challenging to make these changes on your own, professional help can provide valuable guidance.
If you struggle with anxiety related to people pleasing, consider reaching out to me. Contact Dr. Sarah Allen today to begin your journey toward improved mental health and a less stressed life. Learn more about my specialized anxiety treatment where I see people in the Chicago area in person or remotely throughout Illinois, Florida and the UK.
If you have any questions, or would like to set up an appointment to work with me and learn how to reduce anxiety, please contact me at 847 791-7722 or on the form below.
If you would like to read more about me and my areas of specialty, please visit Dr. Sarah Allen Bio.
Dr. Allen’s professional license only allows her to work with clients who live in IL & FL & the UK and unfortunately does not allow her to give personalized advice via email to people who are not her clients.
Dr. Allen sees clients in person in her Northbrook, IL office or remotely via video or phone.
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