Women’s Issues

Anxiety, The Brain & Cognitive Therapy (CBT)

Did you know that the human brain is composed of approximately 100 billion neurons? Until recently we thought that the brain is fully developed (and therefore unchangeable) by the end of childhood and once you became an adult it was pretty much downhill for the brain.

Neuroplasticity and the mind’s ability to change the brain

In the past few years though there has been a huge amount of brain research that shows that the brain actually possesses a remarkable capacity to reorganize pathways, create new connections and, in some cases, even create new neurons. We now know our brains are not fixed, they have neuroplasticity. What does this mean? Basically we can change the way we think about things to change our brain to be happier!

So?

You may say that is all very well and good but why would I want to change my brain? The reason I am really interested in all this brain research is that most people who come to see me come because they are fed up of feeling worried, anxious and/or sad. By changing the way we evaluate things and react to them can change these negative pathways the anxious part of our brain has got so used to traveling down.

Are You On Automatic Pilot?

We have all been on automatic pilot when doing something e.g. we drive to a place without thinking how we got there. When our brain is disengaged brain change is switched off. However, when our brain is alert and engaged in an activity our brain’s plasticity switches are turned “on” because chemical neurotransmitters are released and we are then ready to facilitate change.

Is Your Brain Wired To Feel Anxious?

Because of life experiences and genetics some brains are more anxious than others. When we think of doing something that causes us some anxiety our brain tells us “run away, don’t do it!”. Our body listens to the brain and produces adrenaline and amongst other physical sensations our heart beats faster, our hands get sweaty and our breathing gets shallow and this reinforces the idea that we “SHOULDN’T DO IT!” so we avoid that situation.

So How Do I Change This Anxiety Pathway In My Brain?

Brain change is a result of learning, our experiences and memory. Basically, by learning new ways to think and deal with anxious or sad feelings we can develop different connections in our brain.

If we feel the fear and do it anyway this teaches our brain to develop a memory that actually doing this scary thing was manageable, nobody died and it really wasn’t nearly as bad as you thought it would be. We then feel more confident when that situation comes up again our brain says “Yeah, I can do that, it’s manageable”. The more times we do it the less scary it gets because our brain lays down each memory and makes a more positive pathway between our emotions and that type of event.

For example: Jane hates making phone calls (many people do). She thinks about it making that call and her heart beats faster, her fear rises and she gets someone else to call for her.

According to Canadian scientist Donald Hebb, “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” If your thoughts focus on worrying and self-criticism, you’ll develop neural structures of anxiety and a negative sense of self.

Spend 15 Minutes A Day Doing Something New

The really important thing to remember is that to build new pathways in the brain you have to be alert and focused on what you are thinking and doing and to be most effective you need to try new things as the brain grows best when info is novel.

Do Something Scary

When we are doing something that scares us, our brain pays better attention to what is going on.

New habits = brain change. Scary new habits = quicker brain change.

Start small though rather then choosing to tackle something that causes you a lot of anxiety. You need to increase your confidence. I suggest you think of a hierarchy of anxiety-provoking situations then start with the one that is just a little bit out of your comfort zone.

Can Cognitive Behavior Therapy & Brain Science Work Together?

Yes! cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and the new brain research really complement each other. I ask clients to recognize when they feel a negative emotion such as anxiety, anger or sadness and “catch” the thought that they are having. These thoughts tend to be automatic and negative and because we are beating up on ourselves without even realizing it, they elicit a negative emotion. Who wouldn’t feel bad if they are telling themselves they can’t do something or they are bad in some way.

We then really focus on what you are thinking and challenge those thoughts so you can change your behavior and find out that the situation isn’t as bad as you are thinking it is. By thinking and doing things differently, especially things that are out of your comfort zone, you build new pathways in the brain.

So What Is Cognitive Therapy?

Step 1: Identify your thoughts or self-talk and they make you feel

Once you catch the negative thought you can learn a new way of thinking about it.

Step 2. Identify thought traps

There are many thought traps but perhaps the most frequent ones that I see are:

Filtering – only taking note of all the bad things that happen, but ignore any good things
Overgeneralizing – using words like “always” or “never” to describe situations or events
All-or-Nothing Thinking – it has to be this way or it’s no good
Mind-Reading – believing that we know what others are thinking or thinking they should know how we feel. Often we assume that they are thinking the worst of us. However, we can’t mind-read so need to communicate with people.
Overestimating – we believe that something that is unlikely to occur is actually about to happen e.g. “I will faint” “I’ll go crazy” “I’m dying”.

Remember – Just thinking something doesn’t mean it’s true or that it will happen.

Step 3: Challenge Your Negative Thoughts

Questions to ask yourself to help challenge your negative thoughts or self-talk:

• Am I falling into a thinking trap (for example, catastrophizing or mind-reading)?
• What is the evidence that this thought is true? What is the evidence that this thought is not true?
• What would I tell a friend if he or she had that thought?
• Am I confusing a “possibility” with a “probability,”? It may be possible, but is it likely?
• Am I 100% sure that _______ will happen?
• How many times has _______ happened before?
• Is really so important that my future depends on it?
• And my all-time favorite – What is the worst that could happen?

I have been using CBT techniques for twenty years and they work! What I find totally fascinating though is that we can look at the recent brain studies about neuroplasticity and now understand the reasons behind why it works.

Summary

1. Being alert and focused when you try to do new things can change your brain.

2. Doing scary things retrains your brain to realize that that doing something anxiety-provoking is associated with Taking Action not Avoidance.

3. CBT strategies help you do  new behaviors that cause brain change. You become confident rather than worried.

Harnessing this power is an effective way to achieve brain change and reduce negative emotions.

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So you can read more about reducing anxiety and CBT, I put together a booklet with some strategies I am always giving to my clients to help them begin to feel less anxiety and to worry less.

I hope that you will find it helpful too.

Add your first name and email address in the box below and you will be sent the steps to download your FREE book.

If after reading the booklet you feel ready to start working on reducing your anxiety but need support, I can help you overcome worrying in one-on-one individual CBT counseling sessions.

In a supportive environment with a therapist who has over 20 years experience you can learn how to reduce worrying by:

• Learning a variety of relaxation and breathing strategies which can help you reduce your overall levels of stress and help you face anxiety-provoking situations.
• Learning how to distinguish between worries that require your attention and worries that are unnecessary.
• Learning skills to manage anxious thoughts and to tackle fears that may have been holding you back.While all your worries won’t disappear, you will be given strategies to manage them better and tools to reduce the impact they have on your life.

If you feel anxiety is standing in the way of you leading the life you want to, call me on 847 791-7722 or via the email form below. I see clients in my Northbrook office or if it is more convenience, via telephone or internet sessions

Maybe it’s because I’m a relationship columnist (plus a true romantic at heart), but when my girlfriend told me that she and her husband recently started sleeping in separate bedrooms, I felt really, really sad for them. In my mind, hearing “separate bedrooms” equated to them being disconnected, distant and living like roommates instead of life partners. And, if there was marital discord, separate bedrooms would only drive them further apart. I was expecting to hear the word “divorce” in the next 60 seconds.

But then my friend talked me off the ledge, telling me the problem with the sleeping arrangements in her home have nothing to do with the marriage and everything to do with “intense snoring.”

Although I felt great relief that the problem lie not in the marriage but rather in her husband’s nasal passages, I had to wonder: Can separate bedrooms turn into a sexless marriage? Can sleeping apart lead to growing apart?

For insight, I reached out to Dr. Sarah Allen, a North Shore-based psychologist who specializes in women’s issues and relationships. Allen said couples choose to sleep in separate bedrooms for a variety of reasons, including the desire to get better sleep.

“A lack of sleep can cause relationship issues, including resentment if you are being woken up by snoring,” said Allen, who has been in practice for 22 years. “Not getting enough sleep can also cause irritability and fatigue, and if you have other medical issues, lack of sleep can make them worse.”

According to the National Sleep Foundation, one in four couples sleep in separate bedrooms due to sleep disorders that include snoring and sleep apnea. But does that statistic mean one in four couples aren’t having sex? Allen said no.

“People think sex equates to sleeping in the same bed with someone, but it doesn’t,” she said. “You can spend time with your spouse in bed before you go to sleep. You can cuddle, talk about your day, read together, watch TV, give each other back rubs or have sex. Afterward, you can go into another room to get the sleep you need.”

But what happens when one person moves out of the bedroom for a reason that has nothing to do with getting ZZZ’s, and everything to do with conflict in the relationship? Allen said retreating to another room because of arguments, resentment and feeling distant or disconnected only leads to unresolved problems and a worsening situation.

She said when couples come to see her about this issue, she advises that they make quality time to talk, to communicate and to connect. And, ironically, she tells them to do that in the bedroom.

“The marital bed is the only place you get peace and quiet and privacy, especially if you have children,” Allen said. “That should be the place to work on the issues. It is a place where you are physically close and that can foster closeness and intimacy.”

The thing is, every couple is unique. There are couples who sleep in the same bed who have great marriages, and who are emotionally and physically connected. There are also couples who sleep in the same bed who are unhappy together and who don’t have sex. I feel sorry for those couples.

There are couples who don’t sleep in the same bed who are in sexless marriages, and there are couples who don’t sleep in the same bed (like my friend) who are very satisfied and happy in their relationship.

I guess where in the house you get your sleep isn’t so important, as long as you wake up well rested. What matters more when it comes to a healthy, happy relationship is the time a couple spends together while awake. Laughing together, feeling appreciated and loved, being intellectually challenged, feeling sexy and attractive to each other, genuinely liking each other and enjoying your spouse, even when it’s just the two of you loading the dishwasher; that’s way better than REM sleep. It’s actually a dream come true.

I see clients in my Northbrook office or for your convenience, via telephone or internet sessions

If you would like to come to see me to learn more ways to communicate better and improve your relationships

please phone 847 791-7722 or email me below