Parenting

Does your baby’s cry stir up feelings of anxiety and panic within you? You are not alone! Having a baby changes the structure of the brain so that regions that control empathy and anxiety have increased activity and that, along with hormonal changes, can make new moms react to a baby’s cry with intense feelings of protectiveness and worry.

If you have had a traumatic childbirth your anxiety levels are already high so when the baby cries the anxiety is amplified even higher. Women often feel more protective towards the baby after a trauma because they were primed by the belief that something bad was going to happen to the baby or themselves.

First take a deep breath. That sounds too simple but is actually very effective. When your baby cries it causes adrenaline to race around your body and your mind to race. “Something is wrong!” or perhaps “Oh, no! I can’t deal with this”.

By taking a few deep breaths, in through your nose to the count of three and then slowing breath out through your mouth to the count of four, activates a chemical in your brain to calm these physical responses down.

Once your brain has stopped racing and that panicky feeling subsides, you can assess what is actually happening with the baby. Crying is the main way our baby communicates with us but it doesn’t always mean there is something terrible happening. He may just be uncomfortable or bored.

Become aware of what you are thinking. Are you catastrophizing the situation i.e. thinking things are a crisis and disregarding the less obvious causes? Are you underestimating your ability to handle the situation? If this is the case, bring awareness to all the times you have successfully calmed your baby.

If the breathing hasn’t worked and there is someone else there to help, let them take the baby awhile to give yourself space to calm yourself before going back in to try again. If you are on your own, put the baby safely back in his crib for a minute or so while you splash your face with cold water, take a few deep breathes and then go back to calmly assessing the situation. He will be okay for a minute but if you stay in the situation getting more and more panicked you will feel worse.

Be kind to yourself. Moms don’t instinctively know what their baby wants, it is a learning process. You are learning a new skill and part of that skill is getting to know your child and what their wants and needs are.  You are talking about another human being and you can’t expect to know what’s happening for them all the time and sometimes you have no idea what’s going on but that’s okay, you are there and that’s really what the baby needs. Once you have run through the obvious, is he hungry, need a diaper change or uncomfortable, and he is still crying, stay calm, I promise the crying will stop eventually.

Romper.com interviewed me about how baby’s cries affect moms and you can read the full article here:

What Does It Mean If My Baby’s Cries Make Me Anxious? You Are Not Alone!

If you want to read more about maternal mental health download the FREE Guide To Pregnancy & Postpartum Stress, Anxiety & Depression. It is full of information about symptoms, different types of maternal mood disorders and advice about what to do to start feeling like yourself again.

 

Need A Simple Way To Keep Calm?

It can be frustrating and overwhelming being a mom! This blog post explains the role of adrenaline in whipping up emotions and a more in depth look at how to calm down when feeling panicky, overwhelmed or frustrated.

 

Dr. Sarah Allen has 20+ years experience as a psychologist helping women transition to being the mom they want to be. She is also the Director of the Postpartum Depression Alliance of IL, a non-profit offering info and support to pregnant and postpartum moms and their families.

In her Northbrook office, in the North Suburbs of Chicago, or via telephone or online counseling she offers the most convenient way for you to access support and help.

If you have questions after reading this article or the Guide To Pregnancy & Postpartum Stress, Anxiety & Depression or have any questions about how counseling can be useful to your particular circumstances please contact me at 847 791-7722 or on the form below.

 

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Many of my clients, especially ones with children, tell me that weekends can often be a stressful time because of all the things that need to get done. They have the expectation that weekends are for relaxation but by Sunday evening they are left frazzled and fed up because they crammed everything in last minute or argued with their partner for not pulling their weight with the chores.

I have to admit I used to feel the same when my kids were little but then I made some changes to how I set up my expectations and it helped. I have shared these tips with many clients over the years and got lots of feedback that it has really worked for them too so want to share them with you.

Get Some Structure To Your Weekend

 

When I start mentioning structuring weekends to clients I often hear “But weekends are supposed to be relaxing. Who wants a schedule at weekends?” but I am not talking about heavily scheduling your weekend.

 

Here’s how to do it and why some structure works.

I suggest sitting with your partner on a Friday evening and break the weekend into 6 blocks; Saturday morning, afternoon and evening and then the same for Sunday. Write a list of to-dos and who is going to be responsible for what and then schedule them into the blocks of time. You and your partner aren’t mind-readers so taking time to discuss what you both want out of the weekend helps you achieve it.

It also works because by knowing what needs to be done and planning it makes you feel more in control and less overwhelmed.

Following a loose schedule can avoid one partner feeling overwhelmed and the other feeling nagged and ambushed, it’s smart for both to make your expectations known.

 

Communicate With Your Partner

 

Many women keep the to-do list in their heads and not written down so their partner is blissfully unaware and is looking forward to a relaxing weekend because they think they don’t have anything to do. This leaves the woman overwhelmed and probably irritated that she has to do “everything” and seems to be the only responsible one so has to take on the role of “nag” to get any help.

 

If you both write down your expectations of the weekend no one needs to mind-read and this aids communication. It’s a rare person who sees a list of 20 to-dos written down and says ‘’I’ll do those 3 and you do the rest” but if the list is only in your head, your partner doesn’t know what is expected of them.

Creating a schedule helps couples decide together what needs to get done and how best to use the time they have left to spend with the family and of course some time alone.

 

Don’t Forget To Build In Time For Fun and Relaxation

Life of course shouldn’t be just about chores and errands.

I think a great weekend contains 3 things: alone time, couple time and family time.

Not necessarily the same amount of time for each but get all of them in there somewhere and so you are not just spend your whole time doing errands, chores and sports practices.

Some alone time for each person to do whatever they want is a must; exercise, meet a friend for coffee or even play video games if that’s your thing.

We all need a bit of alone time to de-stress or else life is one long drudge punctured by exhaustion.  

Couple time doesn’t necessarily mean date night if funds for a babysitter are short. Get the kids in bed early, not up late because it is the weekend and order in take-out for just you and your partner and sit down and be able to have a conversation alone.

Lastly, family time is very important. You had kids because you wanted a family so slow down and enjoy  them by doing something fun together. Do you want your kids to have memories of family fun or how good mom is at doing laundry. I know laundry needs to be done but family time doesn’t have to be a big event like going to the zoo. Go kick a ball around in the back yard or sit and play a board game for 45 minutes.

Here is an interview I did with Reader’s Digest where I discussed these tips. I hope you find them helpful too!

 

I see clients in my Northbrook office or for your convenience, via telephone or internet sessions

If you would like to come to see me to learn more ways to communicate better and improve your relationships

please phone 847 791-7722 or email me below