When I ask couples or families why they decided to come to see me for counseling, the most frequent answer I get is because they want to learn better communication skills to avoid arguments with each other.

Our ability to communicate with another person is the bedrock on which a good relationship is made. If there are misunderstandings or perceived slights where none were intended, feelings are hurt and people shut down or flare up their emotions. This, of course, leads to more miscommunications. Who can talk about their thoughts and feelings to someone who is shut off and not sharing how they feel too or yelling and angry?

A lot of time, communication is fine when there are no difficult issues to discuss so a big part of being able to communication well is being able to effectively communicate when there is a disagreement. Often, I am asked to help people argue better so they can resolve issues that come up again and again.

Below are 5 tips to bear in mind when you are having a difficult conversation and hopefully, the discussion will lead to problem-solving rather than an argument. A problem-solving discussion tends to work much better than an argument where neither person is listening to the other and both walk away hurt and with the issue unresolved.

The steps work well with couples but are also effective with conflict issues between family members and friends too. Everyone wants to be heard and for their needs to be met. We can’t control how another person reacts but if you try to use these tips yourself,  that will hopefully deescalate the person who you are talking to.

 

 

5 Ways To Increase Communication Skills and Reduce Arguments

1. Stick To The Point

Stay focused on understanding and resolving the present problem and your feelings about it. Try not to bring up past hurts or other topics. It’s easy to get distracted from the problem in hand and bring up that time three years ago when you did…… It just heats up everyone’s emotions when you start bringing up previous arguments or times they hurt your feelings. Which brings me to

2. Take A Breath or a Short Time-Out

When we get emotional, adrenaline starts racing around your body. I know I have talked in previous blog posts about the role of adrenaline in making you feel anxious and adrenaline makes exactly the same physical sensations in our bodies when we get angry. We get hot, our heart beats faster and our thoughts race so we can’t think straight.

The only difference is when adrenaline kicks in and you are in or thinking about a fearful situation, your mind tells you to feel anxious. When adrenaline kicks in during a emotional discussion or argument, your mind is thinking angry thoughts and you may say or do things you later regret.

By taking a break and leaving the room for a few minutes you can do some deep breathing to calm down the adrenaline and come back when you can think straight and problem solve the issue or talk without being overly activated.

More details about how deep breathing reduces adrenaline can be found in my blog post A Simple Way To Keep Calm

 

3. What Is The Outcome You Want?

Ask yourself what your goal is. Do you just want your opinion to be heard or is there a particular outcome you want to happen? We get off track when discussions get heated but if you are aware of your end goal it is easier to turn it back to the problem in hand.

4. Use “I” Language

Begin statements with “I” and make them about yourself and your feelings. It is less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person understand your point of view rather than feeling attacked.

Think about how you would feel if someone says:

A. You are always late, you don’t care I am sitting here worrying if you got hurt

B. I get really worried when you are due home at 7pm and don’t call to let me know you are running late

Statement A of course would likely trigger the late person to feel criticized and then they will probably become defensive and start arguing how it is silly to get worried. Statement B would hopefully make the late person realize that they had been thoughtless not to call and apologize.

5. Be Respectful

Lastly, always keep in mind that it is important to remain respectful of the other person, even if you don’t like their actions. If you try to see the other person’s point of view and talk to them in a non-argumentative way, you are more likely to get that response back from them. Once you have both heard each others viewpoint the problem-solving of the issue can begin.

I see clients in my Northbrook office or for your convenience, via telephone or internet sessions

If you would like to come to see me to learn more ways to communicate better and improve your relationships

please phone 847 791-7722 or email me below

 

 

 

How Can Remote Therapy Help?

Remote therapy (also called teletherapy is provided by phone or video sessions similar to Zoom but HIPAA compliant) became a lot more popular during the pandemic but I have been providing remote sessions with my clients for many years and I continue to offer it now. Remote sessions allow me to provide my experience to people who live too far from Northbrook to travel to my office, as well as for people who  just prefer the convenience of having support and counseling in their own home, office or other location.

Here are some questions I am frequently asked about Remote Therapy.

What Issues Can be Helped by Remote Therapy?

All the issues I typically help people with:

• Anxiety / Worry
• Depression
• Eating/Weight Issues
• Pregnancy & Postpartum Mood Disorders
• Parenting Issues
• Relationship Difficulties
• Stress management and navigating life transitions

Therapy provides a means of helping you gain a different perspective and insight about what you are experiencing and Cognitive Therapy (CBT) gives you the tools to manage overwhelming emotions.

The important thing at the moment is that you are carving out some time to look after your own mental health. During times of stress, you are more able to deal with your own stress or issues with your family or spouse, if you take time for your own self-care.

Is Remote Therapy Confidential & Private?

Yes! I conduct remote sessions from my home office which is in separate area from the rest of my family so no one can overhear or interrupt our sessions. When we are no longer sheltering in place, I also conduct remote sessions from my Northbrook office.

I use a HIPAA compliant video conferencing platform that can work on wifi or cellular data which means it enables my clients to find a way to talk to me in whatever way they can, whether it is a place in their house where they won’t be disturbed (I don’t mind if the only place you can get a bit of privacy at the moment is in your bathroom or closet!) or they sit in their car in their garage or parking lot or go out for a walk.

Is Remote Therapy Covered By Insurance?

Although there are some variations depending what policy you have, most healthcare insurance plans provide coverage for teletherapy in the same way they cover in-office therapy.  I am out of network with all insurance companies and you can read more about my fees and how out of network insurance works, including questions to ask your insurance company before you start therapy on this page Dr. Allen’s Fees and Out of Network Insurance.

Is Remote Therapy As Good As In Office Therapy?

Yes! The American Psychological Association (APA) published an article stating that research demonstrates that psychotherapy delivered via the phone is as effective as the care delivered in person. A review of 13 studies found significant reductions in symptoms of anxiety and depression when therapy was provided via telephone (Coughtrey and Pistrang, 2018) and the World Journal of Psychiatry concluded that there is a large evidence base that supports teletherapy being as effective as in office therapy.

How Do Remote Sessions Actually Work?

Head over to my website page all about remote counseling to read the practical information about the video platform and the forms that need to be completed before our first appointment Dr. Sarah Allen Teletherapy page. I have been conducting therapy remotely for many years with clients who live too far away to come to my Northbrook office or for their convenience i.e. someone has a new baby. During the pandemic I am only providing remote sessions until it is safe to meet in person again.

I want you to know that you are not alone in how you are feeling, and I am still here to help!

 

Dr. Sarah Allen has 25 years of experiencing providing therapy to individuals and couples, adults and teens. If you would like to read more about her areas of specialty and training visit her bio page.

If you have any questions at all, please contact her on the form below or by calling 847 791-7722.