How to Cope with Mom Guilt

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Being a mom is one of the most rewarding and challenging roles you can have in your life. Many moms experience feelings of guilt, I will go as far to say that every mom I have worked with, and there have been hundreds, has told me they have feelings of guilt. This type of guilt is often referred to as mom guilt. Mom guilt can come from various sources and can affect your mental well-being. It’s important to recognize these feelings and address them to ensure you are not being unfairly hard on yourself as that can cause stress, anxiety and self esteem problems, especially if you tend to compare yourself to how you perceive other moms are.

Mom guilt can manifest in many ways. You may feel guilty about not spending enough time with your child, feeling overwhelmed, or wanting time for yourself. These feelings are common but need to be managed to maintain a healthy balance in life.

Understanding mom guilt and knowing how to cope with it is essential. This guide will explore the causes of mom guilt, how to recognize its triggers, practical tips to manage it, and when to seek professional help. Managing mom guilt allows you to take better care of yourself and those you care about.

Understanding Mom Guilt

Mom guilt is that nagging feeling that you’re not doing enough as a parent. It can come from various sources, like societal expectations, personal standards, or comments from others. This guilt can make you feel like you’re failing, even when you’re doing your best. Understanding where these feelings come from is the first step in coping with them.

Mom guilt often stems from high expectations. Society puts a lot of pressure on mothers to be perfect. You might feel that you need to be available 24/7, keep up with chores and errands and still find time to work and exercise. These unrealistic standards can lead to feelings of inadequacy. Recognizing that no one can do it all can help reduce these feelings of guilt.

Another common source of mom guilt is comparing yourself to others. Whether it’s through social media or interactions with other parents, it’s easy to feel like you’re not measuring up. Remember, people often share their highlights, not their struggles, making these comparisons unfair. Understanding that every family is different and that everyone faces challenges can help you feel better about your parenting choices.

Common Triggers of Mom Guilt

Identifying common triggers of your own personal mom guilt can help you address and manage them. One frequent trigger is the feeling of not spending enough time with your child. Whether due to work commitments or needing personal time (yes, it’s okay to need your time alone!), this can lead to feelings of guilt. Balancing work and family life is challenging, but knowing your limits and setting realistic expectations can help.

Another trigger is the pressure to make the right choices. From feeding methods to educational activities, moms often feel guilty about their decisions. It’s important to remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. Trusting your instincts and making informed decisions can help reduce this type of guilt.

External opinions and unsolicited advice are also common triggers. Family members, friends, and even strangers can sometimes make comments that lead to self-doubt and guilt. It’s crucial to filter out well-meaning but unnecessary advice and focus on what works best for you and your family. Setting boundaries and learning to say no can protect your mental well-being.

By understanding and recognizing these triggers, you can take steps to manage and reduce mom guilt, allowing you to focus more on enjoying your time with your children and less on feeling guilty.

Practical Tips to Overcome Mom Guilt

Overcoming mom guilt starts with self-compassion. Remind yourself that you are doing your best. It’s normal to make mistakes, and it’s important to forgive yourself. Acknowledging your efforts can go a long way in easing guilt. Try to focus on what you have accomplished rather than what you did not get to.

Creating a support system is another effective strategy. Share your feelings with friends, family, or other moms who understand what you’re going through. Sometimes, just talking about your worries can help lighten the load. Join online groups or local parenting communities where you can share experiences and tips.

Practicing self-care is crucial. Take time to do things you enjoy and that relax you. Self-care isn’t selfish; it helps you recharge so you can be a better parent. Even small breaks, like reading a book or going for a walk, can make a big difference. Remember, a happy mom makes a happy family.

Setting realistic goals is also important. You don’t need to do everything perfectly. Prioritize what truly matters and let go of minor details. Whether it’s chores or parenting choices, focus on tasks that align with your values and priorities. This approach can help you feel more accomplished and less guilty.

Seeking Professional Help and Support

If mom guilt becomes overwhelming, seeking professional help can be beneficial. If you’re struggling with persistent guilt it is often part of a wider issue such as stress, anxiety, depression or feelings of low self-esteem. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore these feelings and differentiate between normal guilt and something that needs more attention. I can bring my many years of experience working with moms, as well as being a mom of three myself, and I can offer strategies to manage thoughts relating to guilt and improve your overall well-being.

Conclusion

Dealing with mom guilt is a common challenge, but you don’t have to face it alone. Understanding the sources of your guilt, recognizing common triggers, and implementing practical strategies can help you manage these feelings. Remember, you’re doing your best, and that’s enough.

If you find that guilt is impacting your daily life, please reach out. I am committed to helping moms navigate these challenges and I know that with help to overcome mom guilt, you can also feel better taking time for your self and reduce stress and anxiety. If you are a new mom I have many articles in my Pregnancy and Postpartum blog. Unfortunately, mom guilt can be persistent and occur throughout your child’s life, not just the first years, and I have many articles on my Women’s Counseling blog and Parenting blog pages too.

Dr. Sarah Allen

Dr. Sarah Allen has 25+ years of experience in private practice helping women to transition to being the mom they want to be. She is the Founding Director of the statewide non-profit Postpartum Depression Alliance of IL. She also specializes in pregnancy loss & infertility & has published research on postpartum depression and traumatic childbirth.

If you would like to work with Sarah, please phone her at 847 791-7722 or on the form below.

If you would like to read more about me and my areas of specialty,  please visit Dr. Sarah Allen Bio. Dr. Allen’s professional license only allows her to work with clients who live in IL & FL & the UK and unfortunately does not allow her to give personalized advice via email to people who are not her clients. 

Dr. Allen sees clients in person in her Northbrook, IL office or remotely via video or phone.

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    My baby didn’t sleep. She wouldn’t sleep more than a couple of hours at night and no more than 30 minutes during the day. I was completely overwhelmed and my husband and I were at each other’s throats. I was supposed to be going back to work but was barely functioning. Sarah helped us to learn how to get our baby sleeping and then she supported me in my transition back to work. She also helped my husband and I navigate how to share childcare and running the house fairly. She is a very knowledgeable therapist and has really helped us.

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    Dr. Allen Helped Me to Feel More Empowered

    Dr. Allen has really helped me find my own voice. When I began therapy I would swing between being passive and doing whatever other people wanted me to do to being angry and frustrated. I have been on antidepressants for quite a few years but it wasn’t really working. Through therapy I have learned to listen to my own needs and to speak up. I used to worry that people wouldn’t like me if I didn’t agree with them but when Dr. Allen gave me the support I needed I challenged my fears. I spend a lot less time feeling angry and depressed now and I have really widened my social network. This is how I have always wanted to be but didn’t know how to get there. Dr. Allen has a very reassuring manner and makes you challenge yourself but by using small steps so you feel ready to do it. I have really come out of my shell and would recommend anyone who is feeling depressed to come and talk with her.

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    I began seeing Dr. Allen when my first child was around a year old. I had experienced a very traumatic birth, after a difficult pregnancy where I was on bed rest for a good portion of the time. The first year of my son’s life was spent worrying constantly. I also experienced flashbacks to the birth, which was an emergency C-section under general anesthesia. My son was in the NICU for several days following his birth, and I was not given very much information as to why. I remember thinking that he would die, or that something awful was going to happen.

    I experienced a great deal of anxiety that first year, and I thought that it was due to being a new mom. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating as normal, and I remember being worried about leaving the house or taking my baby with me anywhere. I worried constantly about illness, germs, etc.

    The first day that I saw Dr. Allen, she gave me some questionnaires to fill out before we started talking. Then we sat down and talked about my experiences with my son’s birth and the early days of his life, and the year or so since then. I remember to this day the relief that I felt when she looked at me and said that I had PPD and PTSD, which was a result of the trauma I experienced during and immediately after the birth of my son. She explained how my brain had reacted to the stress of these events, and related it to why I was feeling the way that I felt. It made so much sense. Then, she described ways that I could get over the trauma, work through the feelings, and recover from PTSD and PPD. I felt so empowered, and so happy that the way I felt had a name, and that it was treatable. It also made me feel so validated in the ways that I had felt and reacted following my son’s birth. I wasn’t going crazy. My reaction was normal and natural. And with the help of Dr. Allen, and the type of therapy that she uses, I knew I could recover.

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    When I had my first baby I had what I now know was postpartum depression but I didn’t get any help. It did go away after about 18mths but it was a miserable way to begin motherhood.  When I was pregnant with my second child I started to become depressed again and this time told my OB/GYN how I was feeling and she referred me to Sarah. By starting to deal with how I felt and change the way I was handling the stresses in my life, I was in a much better place when my baby was born. The second time round my PPD was much less severe and didn’t last as long. 

    Sarah was also really helpful in teaching me ways to make the transition of becoming a big sister easier for my oldest one too.   My husband came with me for some sessions and that really helped our relationship and we started working on parenting issues together.  Sarah’s counsel and support really helped our family transition to the good place we are all in today.

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