Couples Counseling

Many of my clients, especially ones with children, tell me that weekends can often be a stressful time because of all the things that need to get done. They have the expectation that weekends are for relaxation but by Sunday evening they are left frazzled and fed up because they crammed everything in last minute or argued with their partner for not pulling their weight with the chores.

I have to admit I used to feel the same when my kids were little but then I made some changes to how I set up my expectations and it helped. I have shared these tips with many clients over the years and got lots of feedback that it has really worked for them too so want to share them with you.

Get Some Structure To Your Weekend

 

When I start mentioning structuring weekends to clients I often hear “But weekends are supposed to be relaxing. Who wants a schedule at weekends?” but I am not talking about heavily scheduling your weekend.

 

Here’s how to do it and why some structure works.

I suggest sitting with your partner on a Friday evening and break the weekend into 6 blocks; Saturday morning, afternoon and evening and then the same for Sunday. Write a list of to-dos and who is going to be responsible for what and then schedule them into the blocks of time. You and your partner aren’t mind-readers so taking time to discuss what you both want out of the weekend helps you achieve it.

It also works because by knowing what needs to be done and planning it makes you feel more in control and less overwhelmed.

Following a loose schedule can avoid one partner feeling overwhelmed and the other feeling nagged and ambushed, it’s smart for both to make your expectations known.

 

Communicate With Your Partner

 

Many women keep the to-do list in their heads and not written down so their partner is blissfully unaware and is looking forward to a relaxing weekend because they think they don’t have anything to do. This leaves the woman overwhelmed and probably irritated that she has to do “everything” and seems to be the only responsible one so has to take on the role of “nag” to get any help.

 

If you both write down your expectations of the weekend no one needs to mind-read and this aids communication. It’s a rare person who sees a list of 20 to-dos written down and says ‘’I’ll do those 3 and you do the rest” but if the list is only in your head, your partner doesn’t know what is expected of them.

Creating a schedule helps couples decide together what needs to get done and how best to use the time they have left to spend with the family and of course some time alone.

 

Don’t Forget To Build In Time For Fun and Relaxation

Life of course shouldn’t be just about chores and errands.

I think a great weekend contains 3 things: alone time, couple time and family time.

Not necessarily the same amount of time for each but get all of them in there somewhere and so you are not just spend your whole time doing errands, chores and sports practices.

Some alone time for each person to do whatever they want is a must; exercise, meet a friend for coffee or even play video games if that’s your thing.

We all need a bit of alone time to de-stress or else life is one long drudge punctured by exhaustion.  

Couple time doesn’t necessarily mean date night if funds for a babysitter are short. Get the kids in bed early, not up late because it is the weekend and order in take-out for just you and your partner and sit down and be able to have a conversation alone.

Lastly, family time is very important. You had kids because you wanted a family so slow down and enjoy  them by doing something fun together. Do you want your kids to have memories of family fun or how good mom is at doing laundry. I know laundry needs to be done but family time doesn’t have to be a big event like going to the zoo. Go kick a ball around in the back yard or sit and play a board game for 45 minutes.

Here is an interview I did with Reader’s Digest where I discussed these tips. I hope you find them helpful too!

 

I see clients in my Northbrook office or for your convenience, via telephone or internet sessions

If you would like to come to see me to learn more ways to communicate better and improve your relationships

please phone 847 791-7722 or email me below

When I ask couples or families why they decided to come to see me for counseling, the most frequent answer I get is because they want to learn better communication skills to avoid arguments with each other.

Our ability to communicate with another person is the bedrock on which a good relationship is made. If there are misunderstandings or perceived slights where none were intended, feelings are hurt and people shut down or flare up their emotions. This, of course, leads to more miscommunications. Who can talk about their thoughts and feelings to someone who is shut off and not sharing how they feel too or yelling and angry?

A lot of time, communication is fine when there are no difficult issues to discuss so a big part of being able to communication well is being able to effectively communicate when there is a disagreement. Often, I am asked to help people argue better so they can resolve issues that come up again and again.

Below are 5 tips to bear in mind when you are having a difficult conversation and hopefully, the discussion will lead to problem-solving rather than an argument. A problem-solving discussion tends to work much better than an argument where neither person is listening to the other and both walk away hurt and with the issue unresolved.

The steps work well with couples but are also effective with conflict issues between family members and friends too. Everyone wants to be heard and for their needs to be met. We can’t control how another person reacts but if you try to use these tips yourself,  that will hopefully deescalate the person who you are talking to.

 

 

5 Ways To Increase Communication Skills and Reduce Arguments

1. Stick To The Point

Stay focused on understanding and resolving the present problem and your feelings about it. Try not to bring up past hurts or other topics. It’s easy to get distracted from the problem in hand and bring up that time three years ago when you did…… It just heats up everyone’s emotions when you start bringing up previous arguments or times they hurt your feelings. Which brings me to

2. Take A Breath or a Short Time-Out

When we get emotional, adrenaline starts racing around your body. I know I have talked in previous blog posts about the role of adrenaline in making you feel anxious and adrenaline makes exactly the same physical sensations in our bodies when we get angry. We get hot, our heart beats faster and our thoughts race so we can’t think straight.

The only difference is when adrenaline kicks in and you are in or thinking about a fearful situation, your mind tells you to feel anxious. When adrenaline kicks in during a emotional discussion or argument, your mind is thinking angry thoughts and you may say or do things you later regret.

By taking a break and leaving the room for a few minutes you can do some deep breathing to calm down the adrenaline and come back when you can think straight and problem solve the issue or talk without being overly activated.

More details about how deep breathing reduces adrenaline can be found in my blog post A Simple Way To Keep Calm

 

3. What Is The Outcome You Want?

Ask yourself what your goal is. Do you just want your opinion to be heard or is there a particular outcome you want to happen? We get off track when discussions get heated but if you are aware of your end goal it is easier to turn it back to the problem in hand.

4. Use “I” Language

Begin statements with “I” and make them about yourself and your feelings. It is less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person understand your point of view rather than feeling attacked.

Think about how you would feel if someone says:

A. You are always late, you don’t care I am sitting here worrying if you got hurt

B. I get really worried when you are due home at 7pm and don’t call to let me know you are running late

Statement A of course would likely trigger the late person to feel criticized and then they will probably become defensive and start arguing how it is silly to get worried. Statement B would hopefully make the late person realize that they had been thoughtless not to call and apologize.

5. Be Respectful

Lastly, always keep in mind that it is important to remain respectful of the other person, even if you don’t like their actions. If you try to see the other person’s point of view and talk to them in a non-argumentative way, you are more likely to get that response back from them. Once you have both heard each others viewpoint the problem-solving of the issue can begin.

I see clients in my Northbrook office or for your convenience, via telephone or internet sessions

If you would like to come to see me to learn more ways to communicate better and improve your relationships

please phone 847 791-7722 or email me below