Couples Counseling

When I ask couples or families why they decided to come to see me for counseling, the most frequent answer I get is because they want to learn better communication skills to avoid arguments with each other.

Our ability to communicate with another person is the bedrock on which a good relationship is made. If there are misunderstandings or perceived slights where none were intended, feelings are hurt and people shut down or flare up their emotions. This, of course, leads to more miscommunications. Who can talk about their thoughts and feelings to someone who is shut off and not sharing how they feel too or yelling and angry?

A lot of time, communication is fine when there are no difficult issues to discuss so a big part of being able to communication well is being able to effectively communicate when there is a disagreement. Often, I am asked to help people argue better so they can resolve issues that come up again and again.

Below are 5 tips to bear in mind when you are having a difficult conversation and hopefully, the discussion will lead to problem-solving rather than an argument. A problem-solving discussion tends to work much better than an argument where neither person is listening to the other and both walk away hurt and with the issue unresolved.

The steps work well with couples but are also effective with conflict issues between family members and friends too. Everyone wants to be heard and for their needs to be met. We can’t control how another person reacts but if you try to use these tips yourself,  that will hopefully deescalate the person who you are talking to.

5 Ways To Increase Communication Skills and Reduce Arguments

1. Stick To The Point

Stay focused on understanding and resolving the present problem and your feelings about it. Try not to bring up past hurts or other topics. It’s easy to get distracted from the problem in hand and bring up that time three years ago when you did…… It just heats up everyone’s emotions when you start bringing up previous arguments or times they hurt your feelings. Which brings me to

2. Take A Breath or a Short Time-Out

When we get emotional, adrenaline starts racing around your body. I know I have talked in previous blog posts about the role of adrenaline in making you feel anxious and adrenaline makes exactly the same physical sensations in our bodies when we get angry. We get hot, our heart beats faster and our thoughts race so we can’t think straight.

The only difference is when adrenaline kicks in and you are in or thinking about a fearful situation, your mind tells you to feel anxious. When adrenaline kicks in during a emotional discussion or argument, your mind is thinking angry thoughts and you may say or do things you later regret.

By taking a break and leaving the room for a few minutes you can do some deep breathing to calm down the adrenaline and come back when you can think straight and problem solve the issue or talk without being overly activated.

More details about how deep breathing reduces adrenaline can be found in my blog post A Simple Way To Keep Calm

3. What Is The Outcome You Want?

Ask yourself what your goal is. Do you just want your opinion to be heard or is there a particular outcome you want to happen? We get off track when discussions get heated but if you are aware of your end goal it is easier to turn it back to the problem in hand.

4. Use “I” Language

Begin statements with “I” and make them about yourself and your feelings. It is less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person understand your point of view rather than feeling attacked.

Think about how you would feel if someone says:

A. You are always late, you don’t care I am sitting here worrying if you got hurt

B. I get really worried when you are due home at 7pm and don’t call to let me know you are running late

Statement A of course would likely trigger the late person to feel criticized and then they will probably become defensive and start arguing how it is silly to get worried. Statement B would hopefully make the late person realize that they had been thoughtless not to call and apologize.

5. Be Respectful

Lastly, always keep in mind that it is important to remain respectful of the other person, even if you don’t like their actions. If you try to see the other person’s point of view and talk to them in a non-argumentative way, you are more likely to get that response back from them. Once you have both heard each others viewpoint the problem-solving of the issue can begin.

I see clients in my Northbrook office or for your convenience, via telephone or internet sessions

If you would like to come to see me to learn more ways to communicate better and improve your relationships

please phone 847 791-7722 or email me below

Maybe it’s because I’m a relationship columnist (plus a true romantic at heart), but when my girlfriend told me that she and her husband recently started sleeping in separate bedrooms, I felt really, really sad for them. In my mind, hearing “separate bedrooms” equated to them being disconnected, distant and living like roommates instead of life partners. And, if there was marital discord, separate bedrooms would only drive them further apart. I was expecting to hear the word “divorce” in the next 60 seconds.

But then my friend talked me off the ledge, telling me the problem with the sleeping arrangements in her home have nothing to do with the marriage and everything to do with “intense snoring.”

Although I felt great relief that the problem lie not in the marriage but rather in her husband’s nasal passages, I had to wonder: Can separate bedrooms turn into a sexless marriage? Can sleeping apart lead to growing apart?

For insight, I reached out to Dr. Sarah Allen, a North Shore-based psychologist who specializes in women’s issues and relationships. Allen said couples choose to sleep in separate bedrooms for a variety of reasons, including the desire to get better sleep.

“A lack of sleep can cause relationship issues, including resentment if you are being woken up by snoring,” said Allen, who has been in practice for 22 years. “Not getting enough sleep can also cause irritability and fatigue, and if you have other medical issues, lack of sleep can make them worse.”

According to the National Sleep Foundation, one in four couples sleep in separate bedrooms due to sleep disorders that include snoring and sleep apnea. But does that statistic mean one in four couples aren’t having sex? Allen said no.

“People think sex equates to sleeping in the same bed with someone, but it doesn’t,” she said. “You can spend time with your spouse in bed before you go to sleep. You can cuddle, talk about your day, read together, watch TV, give each other back rubs or have sex. Afterward, you can go into another room to get the sleep you need.”

But what happens when one person moves out of the bedroom for a reason that has nothing to do with getting ZZZ’s, and everything to do with conflict in the relationship? Allen said retreating to another room because of arguments, resentment and feeling distant or disconnected only leads to unresolved problems and a worsening situation.

She said when couples come to see her about this issue, she advises that they make quality time to talk, to communicate and to connect. And, ironically, she tells them to do that in the bedroom.

“The marital bed is the only place you get peace and quiet and privacy, especially if you have children,” Allen said. “That should be the place to work on the issues. It is a place where you are physically close and that can foster closeness and intimacy.”

The thing is, every couple is unique. There are couples who sleep in the same bed who have great marriages, and who are emotionally and physically connected. There are also couples who sleep in the same bed who are unhappy together and who don’t have sex. I feel sorry for those couples.

There are couples who don’t sleep in the same bed who are in sexless marriages, and there are couples who don’t sleep in the same bed (like my friend) who are very satisfied and happy in their relationship.

I guess where in the house you get your sleep isn’t so important, as long as you wake up well rested. What matters more when it comes to a healthy, happy relationship is the time a couple spends together while awake. Laughing together, feeling appreciated and loved, being intellectually challenged, feeling sexy and attractive to each other, genuinely liking each other and enjoying your spouse, even when it’s just the two of you loading the dishwasher; that’s way better than REM sleep. It’s actually a dream come true.

I see clients in my Northbrook office or for your convenience, via telephone or internet sessions

If you would like to come to see me to learn more ways to communicate better and improve your relationships

please phone 847 791-7722 or email me below