Family Counseling

When I ask couples or families why they decided to come to see me for counseling, the most frequent answer I get is because they want to learn better communication skills to avoid arguments with each other.

Our ability to communicate with another person is the bedrock on which a good relationship is made. If there are misunderstandings or perceived slights where none were intended, feelings are hurt and people shut down or flare up their emotions. This, of course, leads to more miscommunications. Who can talk about their thoughts and feelings to someone who is shut off and not sharing how they feel too or yelling and angry?

A lot of time, communication is fine when there are no difficult issues to discuss so a big part of being able to communication well is being able to effectively communicate when there is a disagreement. Often, I am asked to help people argue better so they can resolve issues that come up again and again.

Below are 5 tips to bear in mind when you are having a difficult conversation and hopefully, the discussion will lead to problem-solving rather than an argument. A problem-solving discussion tends to work much better than an argument where neither person is listening to the other and both walk away hurt and with the issue unresolved.

The steps work well with couples but are also effective with conflict issues between family members and friends too. Everyone wants to be heard and for their needs to be met. We can’t control how another person reacts but if you try to use these tips yourself,  that will hopefully deescalate the person who you are talking to.

 

 

5 Ways To Increase Communication Skills and Reduce Arguments

1. Stick To The Point

Stay focused on understanding and resolving the present problem and your feelings about it. Try not to bring up past hurts or other topics. It’s easy to get distracted from the problem in hand and bring up that time three years ago when you did…… It just heats up everyone’s emotions when you start bringing up previous arguments or times they hurt your feelings. Which brings me to

2. Take A Breath or a Short Time-Out

When we get emotional, adrenaline starts racing around your body. I know I have talked in previous blog posts about the role of adrenaline in making you feel anxious and adrenaline makes exactly the same physical sensations in our bodies when we get angry. We get hot, our heart beats faster and our thoughts race so we can’t think straight.

The only difference is when adrenaline kicks in and you are in or thinking about a fearful situation, your mind tells you to feel anxious. When adrenaline kicks in during a emotional discussion or argument, your mind is thinking angry thoughts and you may say or do things you later regret.

By taking a break and leaving the room for a few minutes you can do some deep breathing to calm down the adrenaline and come back when you can think straight and problem solve the issue or talk without being overly activated.

More details about how deep breathing reduces adrenaline can be found in my blog post A Simple Way To Keep Calm

 

3. What Is The Outcome You Want?

Ask yourself what your goal is. Do you just want your opinion to be heard or is there a particular outcome you want to happen? We get off track when discussions get heated but if you are aware of your end goal it is easier to turn it back to the problem in hand.

4. Use “I” Language

Begin statements with “I” and make them about yourself and your feelings. It is less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person understand your point of view rather than feeling attacked.

Think about how you would feel if someone says:

A. You are always late, you don’t care I am sitting here worrying if you got hurt

B. I get really worried when you are due home at 7pm and don’t call to let me know you are running late

Statement A of course would likely trigger the late person to feel criticized and then they will probably become defensive and start arguing how it is silly to get worried. Statement B would hopefully make the late person realize that they had been thoughtless not to call and apologize.

5. Be Respectful

Lastly, always keep in mind that it is important to remain respectful of the other person, even if you don’t like their actions. If you try to see the other person’s point of view and talk to them in a non-argumentative way, you are more likely to get that response back from them. Once you have both heard each others viewpoint the problem-solving of the issue can begin.

I see clients in my Northbrook office or for your convenience, via telephone or internet sessions

If you would like to come to see me to learn more ways to communicate better and improve your relationships

please phone 847 791-7722 or email me below

 

 

 

We know that approximately 15 to 20 percent of new mothers experience depression in the first year after giving birth and also that maternal depression can negatively affect both a children’s cognitive and behavioral development. Mounting studies are now showing that becoming a father increases a man’s risk of experiencing anxiety and depression as well and that too can impact a child’s development.

When I first started working with new parents (over 20 years ago) the research at the time only focused on depression in moms after the baby was born. Then in the past decade or so, researchers began realizing that new moms suffer from anxiety as much as depression and also, that symptoms just as frequently begin during pregnancy. They are now turning their focus on paternal depression.  The fact that fathers of young children suffer an increased risk of depression and anxiety is nothing new with those of us who specialize in treating these issues but it is so great that the recent research is now being carried out. This will hopefully increase awareness of paternal anxiety and depression and therefore reduce the stigma and bring more community resources.

One recent study which was published in Pediatrics, found that depression symptoms rise about 68% for fathers (that live with their children) between the time a baby is born until the child is 5 years old. That’s a huge number of Dads!

“It’s not just new moms who need to be screened for depression, dads are at risk, too,” said Dr. Craig Garfield, author of the new study. “Parental depression has a detrimental effect on kids, especially during those first key years of parent-infant attachment. We need to do a better job of helping young dads transition through that time period.”

Other studies have found about a 10% occurrence of depression symptoms in new dads and according to the Journal of Parent & Family Health other studies have found that fathers are most likely to experience a first onset of paternal PPD in the first 3 to 6 months after the birth of their baby.

With such a high occurrence it is important for medical professionals and family members to be on the lookout for symptoms as unfortunately, there is not yet a general awareness in our society that paternal depression exists.

 

Some symptoms of paternal depression are different from women’s and often men don’t acknowledge their feelings of sadness, hopelessness and/ or guilt. Men may also feel in conflict between how they think a man should be and feel and how they are actually feeling. Remember it doesn’t necessarily mean you are just sad; anxiety and anger can be part of it too.

Below is a list of possible symptoms but remember the severity and number of symptoms varies across individuals.

Symptoms of Paternal Depression

• Frustration or irritability
• Getting stressed easily
• Feeling discouraged
• Increases in complaints about physical problems such as headaches, digestion problems or pain
• Problems with concentration
• Fatigue
• Lack of motivation
• Loss of interest in work, hobbies and sex
• Isolation from family and friends
• Working constantly
• Increased anger and conflict with others
• Increased use of alcohol or other drugs
• Misuse of prescription medication
• Violent behavior
• Impulsiveness and taking risks, like reckless driving and extramarital sex
• Thoughts of suicide

Who Is At Risk?

Many of the risk factors for postpartum depression in women also predispose men to postpartum depression.

Lack of sleep is one risk factor that is especially common when you have an infant. Depression and sleep problems often go hand in hand, and there is a lot of research that suggests that prolonged sleep deprivation is associated with changes in brain chemistry that can increase the risk of depression.

Others risk factors include:

• A personal or family history of depression and/or anxiety
• A personal history or alcohol or drug abuse
• A major life event such as a loss, house move or job loss
• Financial stress
• Relationship stress
• Lack of emotional support from family and friends
• Being a father of multiples  or a baby with special needs

What Can Men Do?

The most important thing to remember is that paternal depression is very treatable and although it is a serious condition, you can recover.

Firstly, it is important for both you and your partner to practice self-care.

Physical health. Simple things like making sure you are looking after your physical well being by getting nutritious food, staying hydrated and getting a little exercise are so important for all new parents. Your physical health and emotional health are very connected which brings me to the next two points.

Rest and breaks. In the first months many men do double duty by going to work and then taking over childcare as soon as they get home. Moms of course need this support as it is really hard to be at home with a baby all day, but try to discuss ways you can share childcare and chores, perhaps getting outside help for a while, so you can each get a break sometimes. Or make sure you take a short break at work, even when you are stressed about getting work done.

Sleep. Yes, I know sleep is at a premium at your house but sleep deprivation can cause a mood disorder in anyone, not just new parents. I see men participating in looking after babies at nighttime more and more, but it is important for you and your partner to alternate nights or sleeping in the morning, so at least one of you is getting sleep. You don’t both need to be awake.

Emotional care is just as important as physical self care.

Tackle isolation. Men tend to feel isolated as their support circles tend to be smaller than women’s. Also men often rely on their partner for emotional support and she may not have enough emotional energy to do that at the moment, especially if she is experiencing a postpartum mood disorder herself. Talk to other Dad’s and I think you will find that they will also agree on how difficult parenthood can be. If it is too hard to talk to people you know, start by calling in a forum especially geared towards men. On the first Monday evening of the month, PSI has an informational phone forum for dads, facilitated by an expert in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders and recovery. Participation is free.

Visit http://postpartum.net/Friends-and-Family/PSI-Chat-with-an-Expert.aspx for call schedule and access codes

Look online for information about being a father. Unfortunately, there are very few online resources for paternal depression but http://www.postpartumdads.org/ has got some good information and PSI has a good page for Dads too http://www.postpartum.net/get-help/resources-for-fathers/

I was recently interviewed for a great article in Redbook magazine and you can read it online here Redbook : Men Get Postpartum Depression Too

Seek help from the professionals. Therapy helps and you don’t need to continue therapy for years, if you choose the right therapist you can take away strategies even starting from the first session!

It is important to choose someone who has many years experience and specializes in treating new parents. Ask a potential psychologist before setting up an appointment whether they have attended conferences and specialized training and how many years they have been treating paternal mental health.

Therapy can also help you with stress management, juggling home and work responsibilities and relationship issues that can often come up when you and your partner are transitioning to parenthood.

So if you know a dad who is feeling a lot of anxiety, irritability and not enjoying things in life as he once did, please encourage him to reach out for the support and help he needs from a professional that understands the life transitions a baby brings.

If you have any questions about depression after having a baby
or if you feel stressed and overwhelmed as a parent of any age child
contact me at 847 791-7722 or on the form below.

 

 

Image by Michael Smith